Hello everyone this is the first “Ask Jay” I want to thank everyone who sent me questions. Today I have decided to answer a very interesting question that I’m sure everyone can relate to. I hope you all enjoy this new section of my blog and don’t forget if you have any questions submit them here!
Question:
I have been reading your blog for a while now and I love the advice you give. So I was wondering can you give me your opinion about why do men make you fall in love with them when they DON’T HAVE ANY intention of having a real commitment or marriage. This has been a topic that me and my friends have discussed for quite sometime and haven’t been able to pinpoint an answer. For example, I was dating a guy for two years and he never had any intention of making me his girlfriend. I never understood this because he treated me as his girlfriend just without the tittle. The whole time we were dating he never told he wasn’t looking for a relationship he made it seem like he wanted a serious relationship. Then after I stopped talking to him and blocked his number. I found out he is now in a new relationship and it has only been a few months. I would love to hear your thoughts.
– Anonymous
Answer:
Hello,
Well first things first I want to thank you for reading my blog! Now to answer your question it can be an array of reasons why men “DON’T HAVE ANY intention of having a commitment”, but still give you affection and show you what some people may perceived as love. Many times men do this for various reasons i.e. they have feelings for you but don’t see a future with you, they just want sex/affection or they are selfish/immature. Immaturity can sometimes cloud a guy’s mind towards relationships epically if he’s in his 20’s even through age doesn’t always equal maturity. Also the situation you’ve described sounds like what I like to call “he’s really not that into you”. This is why he moved on rather swiftly and got in a relationship. This is not say he was right by any means, but this is usually the case when a guy moves on in the way you’ve described. The moral of this situation is before we give our heart to anyone we need to make sure we communicate what we really want. No matter if it risks us loosing that person we have to be honest about what we want.
What are your thoughts have you been in this situation before? Comment below.
Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved.
Jay Colby 
Most men aren’t real, so of course they are going to play around with a woman’s emotions when they’re unstable. All of the promotion and glorification of sexual relations is everywhere now. Most men just want the cookie without having to bake them.
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Great insight very true. A lot of people are impatient when comes to sex nowadays.
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Unfortunately they don’t know any better. The longer you wait, more you get to know the woman, the better the sex becomes. I’d never spend time with a woman just so I can get my rocks off; that’s selfish and slothful.
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Sorry but then why do some people like me who readily was able to let go all for the love was cheated and hurt…. Is everything only about men, why in my case when the men was holding hands lost everything.
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Sometimes we just get in relationships with the wrong people. We just have to learn from those situations.
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Well the other, how can we say is wrong when we ourselves felt knew at that time is the best, the loveliest, the sweetest…….. I feel there is something more…… Something which makes people play away with the hearts and break love promises… Something deep……
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Hi
As Jay said.Tbere can be many reaasons for a lack of commitment.
A point in question is when a woman has a son that has gone off the rails and is still living at home and causing problems with his behavior.Although the man wants to commit he sees this as a destructive force and ends the relationship.
Always good to look at the bigger picture as it may not be the women herself that is causing his lack of commitment.It may well be other external factors.
Max
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Great insight thanks for sharing!
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Jay today it works with both genders if you ask the men they will say vice versa and so do women, cannot generalise and love is like that sometimes to just fool around you make the other person go mad but when Cupid gets to you one will not know. But love and lies do not go hand in hand as it will never work. This is all a rollercoaster love
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Great points it can go both ways. Thanks for sharing!
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You’re always welcome Jay and you bring out amazing informative posts, simply marvellous.
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I think learning boundaries has been a big lesson in my life that helps with avoiding being hurt. When I tell someone what I need, I then observe how they handle it. Do they make me feel bad about it, avoid the subject? If so, then I don’t remove any more boundaries, and we never get close. If however, they are supportive, then I let them in a little more.
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That can be a great way to avoid getting hurt. Being honest and telling someone what we really want can save us a lot of time. Thanks for reading & sharing!
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An excellent answer. Well done!!
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Thank you!
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Great question and great answer. I appreciate a guy’s perspective on this & I’m looking forward to more Q&A’s. I sympathize with her, but she said something right away that lets me know this heartbreak was inevitable: “Why do men make you fall in love with them…” I could write an essay on these 10 words, but I’ll just say two things. One, there’s no such thing as “falling in love”… at least not in the way our society defines it. There is the voluntary and intentional action of choosing to love someone unconditionally, which is very rare in today’s culture. True love is not something that just happens, or something someone “makes you do.” It’s a decision. Instead, what most people define as “falling in love” is actually just an increase in feelings of overwhelming happiness based on someone’s words and actions toward you. If in a relationship, you find yourself saying, “he makes me so happy” or “I just can’t help the way I feel”, then you’re not in love. You’re addicted to the happiness the person draws out of you. Two, based on this, it’s very easy to predict whether or not a man (or woman) is actually really into you, or if they are using you and the relationship to make themselves happy. I couldn’t even guess the percentage of men that use relationships to fill their emptiness, versus those men that turn getting a woman to fall for them into a game or competition. Maybe I’ll write a post about this. Thanks for the inspiration, Jay.
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You make some great points. Especially when you talk about the misconception of love that a lot of us have. Many times we confuse love with happiness. Thanks for sharing such insightful feedback!
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Interesting question and excellent answer, superb.
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Thank you!
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Great job Jay!
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Thank you!
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I enjoyed reading the post and the comments. Excellent idea Jay.
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Thank you!
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I am grateful for my husband – he loved me despite my flaws – he is a great father and husband.
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Think you hit the nail on the head. Some guys stay for the sex and having someone to go out with until someone else comes along they prefer over you
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That is very true. Thanks for reading!
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I look forward to more posts in this new series, Jay!
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Thank you!
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i totally understand her. I have been in an unofficial relationship with the same guy for 15 years, where only 2 of those years he actually called me his girlfriend, eventually he proposed to me, asked my father for my hand, and set a date with me, but he only told his family a day before the wedding, and never told his friends. We were married for 1 year and a half and he asked for a divorce. WHAT THE FUCK?!
All I can see there is IMMATURITY… nothing else.
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I think it’s that some men just love the hunt. Always interesting to have a guy’s thoughts.
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Thank you for reading!
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This is a fun new series. Can’t wait to see more. I think a lot of time with sex it changes things. Biologically when women have sex they release a hormone where they need to bond. When men they lose testosterone so they need time to recover it. If you haven’t built a real bond before the sexual encounter it can be hard to move past that without someone feeling smothered or neglected. I’m not a relationship specialist or anything lol so don’t hold me to scientific standard. I’ve just read a lot about the genetic makeup of men and women. Also I know it isn’t 100% cut and dry to say all of one gender behaves a certain way.
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Great insight I tend to agree with you. Thanks for sharing!
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great blog Jay!! love it
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Thanks for reading!
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We are all screwed up and we just have to take chances now a days. But,as women we need to set standards for ourselves and stop having sex with every man we date . A mans actions will always tell you where you stand. Any man that REALLY sees a future with you will commit, the excuses are BS . Pay attention and respect yourself enough to tell the real from the fake and just accept the fact that every man you date will not be your Prince Charming. Thinking that way will only set you up for failure . We live in a generation where we have sex with people without knowing them. It’s so hard for women to let go of men because we get attached through sex. No way around that. Stop having sex with a man until he shows through his actions that he’s really into you . It will save you A LOT of heartache and even then he can still switch up on you. Now, unless you’re a woman that can handle sex without commitment then go ahead and enjoy. ( highly doubt it’s possible tho) but as women we have to protect our hearts and think with logic instead of with our emotions .
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Great insight. Thanks for sharing!
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Great answer!
Just want to add, In my experience as a woman you have to set up boundaries not to be confused with walls. If he doesn’t ask you to be his girlfriend don’t be afraid to ask him what he is looking for? If it doesn’t align with you then move on. It doesn’t matter how nice, wonderful whatever he may be why waste another moment if he doesn’t want what you do?
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Real Talk….I think we as women need to also take responsibility for the part we play in every situation…no judgment… just truth!! We need to ask questions and see if his actions correspond with his words. Two years is a long time not to know that you both are not on the same page.
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I truly believe that sometimes women are just in denial. This has happened to me countless times, and the signs were there each time, but I ignored it because I was in disbelief. I hope she sees the red flags early on so she doesn’t keep wasting her time. You were very honest with her Jay! I’m sure she will know for next time what to do.
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I’ve not experienced this first hand but I do know that people will treat you how you allow them to. This goes for both men and women. If you want something more or know what you want, you need to be upfront about it. I think many times women lack this being upfront because we’re scared of rejection. But here’s the thing, the worst that can happen is he say no that’s not what he’s interested in and you can govern yourself accordingly!
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You’re right, you have to be honest from the beginning about what you want so that your time and energy is not wasted. I think 2 years was way too long to be dating someone to find out that they’re not claiming you as their girlfriend. The problem with us women is that we get so emotionally invested in a person before knowing for sure if that man is invested in us.
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Evans this is where I say MOB allllll day. Lol men play games and I play em even better. Oh well!!! It’s sad but I’ve been brainwashed to believe no man is faithful or loyal. Great post.
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Interesting take on the situation. I think a lot of guys just want to have fun for a while, why commit and make a “forever” decision when you don’t have to. Frankly, he knows that he can have his cake when he wants for a while with no strings attached. The dude just wants to have fun.
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I got a good answer for this. Ladies need to stop giving it up in hopes of a relationship. Sorry we need to go back to our grandmothers era and keep them closed for a while. I dont care how cute and charming, you will find out how into you he really is if you hold out. If he dips…he isnt gonna wait on you when the next woman is willing to give it up to him. But if you do wait it out and he isnt pressuring you then he want to be with you for real. I have done this method plenty of times and it works. The worhtless ones leave and the good ones stay around.
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What I have learned in dating my husband is learn early on what their intentions are! And you know early on if you want to be with someone so you only allow someone to treat you how you want to be treated! We have to stop sticking around thinking the other person will come around or you a change them.
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Great question, unfortunately there are many answers as to why men do what they do. Communication is key but even after communicating guys action sometimes still changes..
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My main issue with her statement is “Why do men make you fall in love with them” Nobody can MAKE you fall in love with them. You have free will. I think her problem was she didn’t communicate with him HER intentions. She assumed. THEN, she went along with being in a “relationship” with him even though he never officially gave her the title of girlfriend. SMH. It seems like this all could have been settled with a simple conversation DURING the relationship
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wow. When I dated my husband I made sure he knew my intentions as well as I knew his. I didn’t and still dont have time to play games. Thanks for sharing your insight.
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