Question:
Jay I have been in and out of relationships since I was 17 years old. I am older now and still confused about my relationships with women and having a good work-life balance. I am self-employed and work about 60-70 hours a week. I have dedicated my life to building my business letting go of relationships, family and friends who I felt like were holding me back from my success. Over the years I forgot about love now I’m 32 and want to start dating again. I have no kids and no real commitments other than my business. But all the women I’m meeting in my age bracket or a little younger have kids or crazy ex husbands or boyfriends. I’m not sure if it’s something wrong with me for not willing to deal with this type of thing. My question to you is how can I meet someone who’s attractive career driven, honest and doesn’t have any kids or do women like this even exist anymore?
– Anonymous
Answer:
This is an interesting question I’ve noticed both men and women have trouble with this same thing. Many people become so career focused they totally forget about their love life. However, it is never too late to find a meaningful loving relationship. I do understand some of the challenges you’re facing are common, but I have to ask have you ever tried other methods of dating other than the traditional forms. There are many ways to meet people from online dating, social media, going to network events or even the grocery store. I’ve noticed many people put their selves in a bubble thinking things have to be one way, but if that was the case there would be one size shoe for every foot.
Now you stated that “all the women I’m meeting in my age bracket or a little younger have kids or crazy ex husbands or boyfriends.” I have to wonder what type of women you’re attracting that you’ve come across these issues. One thing you should consider that many of us go through is what I like to call “the mirror game”. This is when we take a step back and look at ourselves in the mirror and consider what is it about me that I keep attracting this kind of person. I remember a great philosopher once said “If everyone you seem to attract is unmotivated, boring, unattractive… it’s not what’s wrong with them it’s you because you keep attracting this type of energy.”
Often times we attract who we are so you should take a deeper look at your life and consider what changes if any should you make to improve yourself. Then reflect on your standards and determine if they’re something you can compromise on and if not are they a need or a want. These things should always be considered when you’re looking to date someone. Now the issue with dating a woman with kids is a personal choice and many of us can understand why or why not you wouldn’t like dating a woman with kids. But as I’m sure you know no one is perfect so never say never.
Finding someone in 2017 can be tough but there’s over 7 billion people in the world and 3.5 billion are women. So, don’t give up on finding someone you truly connect with and can possibly build a beautiful relationship with.
What are your thoughts are there any quality people to date in 2017?
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Great post Jay. Yes there are so many good women out there waiting for good men. And during the wait we are becoming that “good’ person and when the wait is over we’ll be that good person… man or woman.
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Thank you for reading & you’re right the key is patience!
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Patience… this is something we’re anxiously waiting for, lol.
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A good relationship should help you in your working life if you have the right person!
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Very true thanks for reading!
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Great Q&A,
I agree with you Jay, you attract who you are – The Law of attraction and all that.
Dave 🙂
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Exactly thanks for reading Dave.
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A friend of mine wanted to know where to meet a sweet, caring, loving, unselfish person who liked to put others first, loved humanity and was willing to live wherever my friend’s work took him. I told him to start attending church because there are more of this kind of women there than anywhere else he could look. So, I’m going to advise your friend to make a list of the attributes he wants to find in a mate and then look around to see where women with those particular ones congregate and start going there. Are you a reader? Join a book club or visit bookstores a lot. In other words, look in logical places for that elusive person.
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This is some great & sound advice. Thank for reading & sharing!
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I read this and as a marketer professionally what came to mind is positioning. You are a brand and every brand has a target market. Once you zero in on who your target audience is (list of attributes you’re looking for in a mate), the next step is to find out where they are; where and what they spend their time in and strategically position yourself in those places! And while dating, you need to have an open mind; don’t be too quick to judge or write someone off! Some of my best relationships happened with men who were single parents or co-parenting with an ex; it truly is about the individual and what you can deal with as a person; just don’t look for perfection!
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Good advice Jay! People rarely want to look at themselves first before “blaming” others for shortcomings.
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You can’t be in a hurry. If you are even remotely out door-sy, check out groups with people of similar interests. I suggest out doorsy because most women in these groups are unattached. My niece is getting married now at the age of 38. She did not have children and her husband is about the same age. Both were career driven and met online, I believe. They dated a few times and hit it off. At about anonymous’ age she went through a period where she wasn’t sure if there was anyone for her, but it’s timing. And yes, I agree, we often attract what we don’t want because that’s our focus or obsession. As for a child… So, they have a child, is that the end of the world? However if you do not want to be a parent then for sure, don’t do it. There’s nothing worse than to marry a guy who will not attempt to parent my child. I ran across that a time of two. Some were totally disinterested others tyrannical so I dropped them. A fatherless child does not need that and a woman doesn’t want to be refereeing a husband and child. No, No, No, so you are wise to at least see that as your downfall. Few men have no trouble with that and some kids make it easy for them to accept and do well by them. There’s a lot to consider there. Most dating sites allow you to be very specific of what your needs are, so it’s a lot easier for people like anonymous to find someone without putting forth the usual effort people had to in the past. Honesty is the best policy. You may sound like a jerk to some women, but not to all.
I worked at a clinic once and was shocked at the most unlikely partnering combinations that would come in, so I know there is always going to be someone out there for someone else.
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Yes!!!!😉☺😊😉
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I agree! It sounds like your reader might want to work on being a man that deserves this good woman who speaks about. Great advice!
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I understand people are waiting later in life to get married and start a family. Seems they are spending so much time finding themselves, not wanting to commit because it is all about them and why should they care or worry about someone else. Seems like values have become turned around.
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Nice one Jay!
The thing is, we don’t have to think that way. The problem is not one dating the wrong person. The problem is one having that kind of thought.
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The thing a person like the subject of this post needs to remember also is that the other person is going to have wants and needs as well. If he is working 60-70 hours a week, it sounds like he needs to find someone who is equally ambitious in her work endeavors. Is it really a relationship he wants, or someone to hang out with in his free time? If he is working 60-70 hours and his partner is only working 40, she is going to have a lot of extra free time. He either needs to find someone who works equally as much, or doesn’t mind not having her man around a lot. If he finds someone who works as much as he does, he might find that their free time doesn’t coincide all the time, and she won’t be there when he is free. I think it is important to consider too what kind of relationship you want and why. Does he want to get into a relationship because he wants children in his future? Is he going to be willing to cut back on work to co-parent if that becomes the case? Or should he look for a woman who wants a provider and she is willing to spend more time with the kids? Is he just looking for someone to hit the town with on weekends? Maybe he doesn’t need a “relationship” so to speak, but more of a friends with benefits situation. These are all things to consider. It’s a distinct possibility that the people he is attracting just see that he works a lot and are interested in his money and his drive, but not in having a compatible life. Sounds like his business is very important to him. Maybe it would be a good idea to join a small business organization or something where he could meet someone with a similar lifestyle and similar interests (i.e. a female business owner who has also been too busy for love and hasn’t had any kids or very many exes). This could be good for his professional and personal life.
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Awesome post, Jay. I’m 25 and single. I’ve had one girlfriend and that was nearly five years ago. Since then I’ve devoted my time to what’s best for me. I’m in no rush to get into a relationship, but the type I want is where both partners build off one another and grow. A God loving woman would be a plus so I don’t have to be worry about being unequally yoked. Lately I’ve wondered if I should try out online dating. The only thing that’s kept me from trying it is the whole catfish fiasco; people not being who they say they are.
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I understand dating can be tough if you aren’t equally yoked. Online dating can be tricky, but has worked well for many. Thanks for reading!
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I love the mirroring concept because we get so stuck at evaluating others, we don’t take the time to recognize our current issues that may be repelling the ones we want. It’s funny at times to see these requests because we want to just take the men who say this and the women who say this and see how it goes. We’re not living under a rock, or hiding in space…sometimes we’re doing exactly what you are. Working, shopping, making a living for ourselves, establishing a future. And if you find yourself attracting the same women, consider going outside of your comfort zone or regular hot spots to explore your options.
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First of all, I want to say that this is a great post, and I appreciate you presenting this, Jay. Some of the things I was thinking while I was reading were some of the same things you mentioned. Suggesting the “mirror game” was vital because if these are the types of women he keeps attracting, he should strongly consider doing a self-evaluation of himself. Because he has been in and out of relationships since he was 17, there’s a high possibility that he did not give his heart time to heal from the previous ones. If that is the case, the possible after effects of it could be showing up in the women he’s attracting or there could be some underlying issues going on with him that he needs to address with himself before he steps out in the dating arena again. Another thing: if ALL of these women have all of these issues he has addressed, where is he meeting them at? He should consider switching that route up as well because it sounds like he’s heading in the same direction looking for different results, it’s not going to happen.
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I think there are good women left but I think men and women need to learn to spend time alone, loving and uplifting themselves rather than go from relationship to relationship.
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Your advice was spot on!! We have to remember that we attract what we put out so sometimes we have to step back and pay attention to what we are doing in order to make changes. I think at his age, it may be more difficult to find a woman who doesn’t have kids but it’s not impossible. I wonder if the kids are the issue for him more so than the father of the kids.
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I have to comment on the “no kids” thing. When I met my husband before we were married, I was a single mom of two children. We’ve been married for six years and I do not have any drama from my ex. Not all single moms have drama in their lives. Also, a single mom can have all of the wonderful qualities this gentleman is looking for in a mate. I think he should be a little more open-minded when it comes to this. You never know, he may end up truly being a great father figure to a single mom’s child/children. Also, I agree with you Jay, the gentleman needs to look at the type of women he is attracting. Where is he meeting the women? This should definitely be taken into consideration.
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For me, there still lots of good women left, it only depends on what you value and prefer most. For sure what is important is to love oneself first so you can find the “good one” and share the same…
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All I can say is that in this day and age, I’m so glad I’m married! But seriously, I believe there is someone out there fo this young man and he shouldn’t settle just to find someone quickly.
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There are plenty of good women. I have 2 sisters that have never been married and don’t have any kids. When people wonder why they are alone it’s usually not because of other people but because they need to look inward. Where is your focus? What are you looking for? Can you provide what you want from others?
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As a single woman [of a certain age], I understand the struggle to find a loving relationship. I’m intrigued by your suggestion of the “mirror game.” I’m sure self-reflection is a major key to moving forward. At least your reader is attracting prospects. For me, I can find no one who’s interested. #LeSigh
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Good article. There are definitely good women and men out there in the dating world. We just have to take our time and do the work to find them!
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I wondered the same thing about men. Until I found one of the good ones and snatched him right up.
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I really needed to read this. I have been single since having my daughter (four years ago) and it is hard not to give up hope.
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My advice is to stop complaining and go where the “good” women are. Additionally, many “good” women have kids. If all you are attracting is “bad” women, then perhaps you may be the problem and you need to re-evaluate what you are doing.
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Never settle – I did that mistake. And then I made the even bigger mistake of hanging onto something for 8 years that just didn’t work. Don’t settle. It might sound harsh but it is better to just be alone than be with someone who is unfit for you. Learned that the hard way. Get out there, meet people, stay true to yourself and clearly communicate what you want in life.
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Of course there are good people to date. The problem starts when your way of thinkingincludes things like “family holding you back”. A real family will support you.
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Great post. As you said many persons neglect the pursuit of love when they are career driven and it’s sad because they delay their happiness. In 2017, it is really hard to find a good woman without some baggage. It’s hard not impossible but it all depends on your geographic location as well. Is it a small town? This can be a factor in the finding someone as well. As many readers before me said, you can’t rush it. If it’s to be, it will be.
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Absolutely, I think there are good people in the world. It’s just, sometimes you have to search hard to find them.
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Hahaha, this did give me a good laugh. cause I’m pretty sure my friends and are thinking are there any good men left LOL. i do understand what you are saying and i do think that when something is meant to be it will happen.
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I wonder where someone who’s self-employed and works 60-70 hours a week is meeting women in the first place. Jay, your advice makes a lot of sense – if you’re only attracting one kind of person, it’s probably you!
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Such good tips! Love the point about looking into the mirror and taking a step back!
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Wow, Jay, these words are so kind and encouraging. Sometimes a little kindness is just what people need to get back out there. Great post!
prettyfitfoodie.com
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Hahaha! Sorry Jay, this made me laugh out loud. Of course, there are women out there who would fit his description. He either has to exercise more patience with his criteria, adjust his thinking, or join an online dating site where he would be matched with women who fit his needs. Naturally, there are no guarantees an ex won’t pop up in the future. 🙂
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