Question:
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years and everything was great in the beginning. He was very successful in his career, had a great personality and seem to love me unconditionally. It seemed like he was the perfect guy for me until he got laid-off of from his job about a year ago. I was very understanding when he lost his and tried to encourage him to look for another one. However, in the industry he is in it is very competitive and before he got laid off he was making six figures so he doesn’t want to take less than that. He was offered a few jobs, but they weren’t willing to pay him the salary he wanted. Since we don’t live together I wasn’t as concerned at first that he didn’t have a job, because he treated me the same other than not being able buy me lavish gifts as he did in the past. Since he’s been laid-off he didn’t want to take me on dates as often that really bothered me, because I had no problem for paying for some dates because I understand that he’s not working right now and still has bills to pay. But he always refused because he feels that a woman shouldn’t pay for a man when they’re out together. However, it has now been a year since being he lost his job, and still doesn’t have another one. I’m starting to wonder will he ever get a job, and my friends and family have been getting in my head lately that I should leave him and find someone who ACTUALLY has a job. What should I do Jay I don’t want to leave him but I cannot continue to be with a man who doesn’t have a job.
– Anonymous
Answer:
This is common question that many people face in relationships when the dynamic of the relationship changes. It can be difficult to adjust to these changes, and in some cases, can be the cause the end of the relationship. You stated that “He was very successful in his career, had a great personality and seem to love me unconditionally.” Thus, indicating you don’t view him as successful anymore, because he is not working or because he doesn’t have the same amount of money that he once had? This is a key component in a relationship, because the way we view someone we’re in a relationship is vital. If we view them as unsuccessful and uncappable it can truly sway our love for them and cause us to have doubts in the relationship. Although I do understand financial stability is an important factor in any relationship. I would caution you though not to throw away a relationship solely based on an monetary issue. Especially since you stated that you ‘all don’t live together meaning that your finances aren’t currently combined. However, I would suggest you should sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel about the whole situation. This will give you both a chance to resolve the issue at hand. Lastly, it can always get “sticky” when we start to listen too much to what are friends and family have to say about our relationship especially when it’s in a negative connotation. Therefore, you should be mindful of what they have to say, but always remember it’s still your decision. In the end, if you feel like you’re at your breaking point end the relationship, but you should have conversation with him before you completely end things.
What are your thoughts should she stay or leave?
Have you been in situation before how did you handle it?
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Great advice Jay! The only thing that concerns me as I’m sure it does her, is his unwillingness to accept another job because the salary is not what he’s used to. Sometimes you have to accept the meantime blessings to get back where you once were or even to the next level.
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Very true sacrifices always important to get to the next step. Thanks for reading!
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You’re not much of a team if you collapse in a heap when faced by difficulties, even serious ones.
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Wise words thanks for sharing!
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Your advice was great Jay. Handled so well.
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I think he needs to humble himself and get whatever job he can get. I know it sucks when you take a pay cut but it’s better than no income. And who’s to say he can’t get something better later on. Sometimes you take 2 steps backwards so you can take a step forward. It’s life, and a man that can’t figure this thing out is a man that you don’t need 😩😂 no , but seriously what if you marry this guy and you guys do live together? If he loses his job everything is going to fall on you. That’s absolutely okay because things happen but when you have a wife and a family to provide for you have to get up and find a solution. You can’t just chill for a whole year and think that’s okay. Hes showing you who he is now! It’s up to you whether you want to deal with him or not.
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Great insight thanks for sharing such great advice!
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Hi!
Tough question. I have to say that a girl that I met last month rejected me because of that; however, I wasn’t interested in her at all. So, everything is fine.
I would say that you need some money if you want to have a girlfriend, because without money you can’t make any interesting plan for a date.
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You make a great point. Thanks for sharing!
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When we lost our business, husband making well into 6 figures he drove a limo, we both poured coffee at the local coffee shop, he took a job teaching at the local college. We even got up at 4 in the morning to deliver newspapers. Never took unemployment or any government help. When you have 4 hungry mouths looking up at you asking what’s to eat mommy it really doesn’t matter where the money comes from. They need to eat and live in doors. It’s easier to get back to where you’ve fallen from with a job, any job !!!! Oh and he had his MBA (Master’s in Business Administration)..
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I think your advice was just right! There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is employed. I find it admirable that she was willing to pay for dates herself. Both partners can pay for dates, especially if the woman is the one who makes the date. Her man seems a little bit too proud. I have a relative with this problem. Too proud to do something that seems beneath him. I don’t have a job within my field, but I work my current job above average because it’s a job. I will always work 3x as hard as anyone. You do what you have to do. She seems very patient with this man, which is a rare trait to find in anyone. Like you said, I think they both need to sit down and talk this out. If he refuses to even talk about the matter, then it may be time to cut swing low on him.
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Pretty much good advice from you, Jay, and from the ones who have replied so far. I don’t understand a man who won’t take a job that pays less. He probably didn’t start at the old job at the salary he had when he was laid off and he likely isn’t going to start at a new one making what he made after some time with the old company. He needs a reality call and if you can get him to see this then you will likely have a winner and you should stay with him. But if he can’t see that he needs to be working, even if it is at less salary, then you will have to decide whether this is something you can live with for the long haul.
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This is a difficult situation. I read that the issue for the girlfriend in this letter, isn’t the lack of money itself, more the attitude of her boyfriend. I might be wrong. But I think the best solution is to follow your advice Jay and talk to him about the situation. There can be things in his life that she doesn’t know about and maybe if they have the courage to open up to each other around this, it can also be a opportunity to deepen the realtionship.
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You make a great point, Jay, that the way we view someone is vital. I have been dealing with my husband’s job issues for some time and it’s not easy. However, we are married, have children together, and own a house, so of course I do my best to work through it, but at times I have felt frustration and viewed him negatively, which does nothing to help the situation and actually makes it worse. Regarding this situation of your writer, it’s tough when one is making six figures and has to accept less (my husband did), but at this point the guy needs to take something or start his own business. Maybe he’ll make less to start, but it could lead to advancement. His lack of initiative is more of a concern than how much money he makes, I think.
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You make a great point with your answer, and agree completely! If the relationship is worth the struggles the couple should sit down make a plan and make it work.
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What a difficult situation to go through, and sometimes it’s not even the lack of job. It’s the way they handle the situation. Their lack of initiative.
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This is a great question and very great answer Jay. I do agree you should never throw away a relationship based on monetary situation. If you love someone you love that person not their money. Thanks for sharing this great Q and A.
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I love this post and such a good advice! I enjoy reading this and so glad to know about this information.
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I think she should talk to him and tell him how she feels and see if he hears her and is willing to make some changes to his behavior. Leaving or staying is not that simple. However, I will say that as someone who dated a man that got laid off and didn’t find a job for 8 months it was hard on him as a man. Bills come in that can’t be paid and that makes him feel useless. Men internalize a lot and then change and while I understand your situation is stressing you taking it out on me and it’s been over a year isn’t acceptable. He needs to take a job to work and get his self-esteem back. Finding a job is always easier when you have one. He has to work. His melancholy mood will cause her to leave because if she’s working she doesn’t want to be with someone all day and every day who is feeling bad about their lot in life. My ex-husband went through 2 job losses when we were together and his mood was difficult at best. I would suggest that she sees how the talk goes and take it day by day.
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This is such great advice and it ultimately seems like a difficult situation for one to handle. I didn’t have a job for awhile and my boyfriend did nothing but encourage me this whole time to find the path I needed to go.
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i wouldn’t leave someone for just loosing a job. it happens. i ask myslef, would i want him to leave me if i lost my job, nope so then i wouldn’t do that to him.
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I think you gave her solid advice as communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Have a heart to heart with your loved one and then make an informed decision based on facts not speculation.
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Great advice. Unless your S.O. is being abusive, I’d take other people’s advice with a grain of salt. It’s tough getting a new job. He’s not alone but, his feelings should be respected. Hope it works out for the person seeking advice.
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Such a great response! It can be difficult in relationships when such huge changes occur.
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Great advice! I would agree and talk to him. He is still successful he has just been unfortunate.
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My other half had to accept a drop in salary when the company he worked for was taken over by someone new. It sent him into a deep depression and he ended up having 6 months off work ill. Things were so difficult but I took on extra work to help, and stuck by him even when it was clear I should have walked away. Things are slowly getting back to normal, but it’s been a struggle. I think everyone’s situation is different, and there’s no right or wrong answer here. I think she should follow her heart, not her head.
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