Question:
Jay, I have been facing a crossroad in my life I’ve recently got a promotion at my job and my life is seemingly perfect. However, this is far from the truth I’ve always wanted a family, house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids you know the America Dream. But throughout my life I’ve experience many bad relationships, situationships and just straight up bullshit. I’ve tried dating all type of guys, but I do have standards, but I TRY my best to be understanding. Though I have been very successful in my life having a 6-figure income, a business and managing to raise my now 18-year-old son by myself. I feel like I shouldn’t have to settle for less. All I want is a man that is attractive and can also provide the same lifestyle I provide for myself. Should I settle for less or just stay patient until the right person comes along?
– Anonymous
Answer:
This is somewhat of a complex question, but before I unpack your question. I have a question for you how you define yourself?
I ask this because you described how you make an “6 figure income and own a business” which are all great, but do those things define you? This plays a huge part in dating and relationships if you focus too much on the finances of a person you may overlook the great qualities they might have. Not to say there’s nothing wrong with wanting to date someone who’s as successful as you, but you have to remember that the word successful is subjective. What may be successful to you might not be the same for someone else. For example, if someone was passionate about helping others and worked at a non-profit organization making only about 38,000 a year. Which might not seem successful in your eyes, but in their eyes, that would constitute success.
Now to your standards you didn’t speak to what exactly your standards are, but you mentioned “All I want is a man that is attractive and can also provide the same lifestyle I provide for myself.” I have another question are these things really needs or wants? I do understand that we all want certain things, but we have to be honest with ourselves in determining if we need something or just simply want it.
Also, you have to look within yourself and see why you’re not attracting what you desire. We attract who we are so if you’re not attracting what you want you may have to consider looking within. You might also want to look at where you’re meeting people at and maybe switch up the places you go to meet people. For example, if you always go to bars/clubs try going to an art gallery or an event that peeks your interest. This will open you up to new people that you might have never met. In the end I would advise you to stay patient and work on become the best version of yourself.
What are your thoughts should someone ever lower their standards when it comes to relationships?
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That’s great advice–there are definitely two sides of the dating equation: what you’re looking for in a partner, and what your partner expects from you. It makes sense to examine both, and to be open to the idea that love and happiness may come in a form you don’t expect!
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No, absolutely not. It is a mistake to think you should lower your standards just to get someone in your life. Actually, you can’t lower your standards – what you would be doing is pretending your standards are low but when you get into the relationship, you start being unsatisfied and taking that dissatisfaction out on your partner. That is what I think.
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My first thought was that a man earning six figures might not worry so much about how much a woman he was interested in was earning. True, some men do care and want an equal earner, but many men are glad to take on the role of breadwinner, sugar daddy, etc. in exchange for companionship, wife, sex, someone to bear their children, take care of the home, etc.. Yet women who are financially successful don’t look at it the same way. I think deep down, all women want a man they feel can take care of them in all ways, including financially, if needed.
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Standards are cool but be realistic . Also, take a look within yourself . Would you date someone that’s exactly like you? Sometimes we too busy talking about how great we are that we totally forget to take a look at ourselves and see where we can improve at. Making money and looking good on the outside is great but what really matters is what’s on the inside . wish you the best !!
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Don’t ever settle if you haven’t found the right person is because is not the right time 😀
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Excellent advice that shows you are wise beyond your years! A good heart, reliability and the capacity to think before you waste money, are, for me, very important elements, and a sense of humour is pretty important too.
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“All I want is a man that is attractive and can also provide the same lifestyle I provide for myself”
This above sentence clearly states that when it comes to dating you are not clear what you looking for. Make it more narrow on what you want and make sure it fits practically in current scheme of things in life.
Only When these two are align i am sure you will be satisfy with the man.
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Great wisdom in your response Jay.
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Thank you!
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This woman found her perfect mate within herself.
I think that we women have trouble comprehending the fairy tale that society feeds us. But in short, the tales are about two whole people who’ve come together and fulfilled their psychological needs to achieve a balance.
This woman says –
“I’ve always wanted a family, house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids you know the America Dream”
She got it!!!
Without getting too deep here , there’s an innate desire for humans to become balanced individuals not hypermasculine not hyperfeminine – “Balanced”
Some of us fall short and find people to mate with who are our “unequals” but provide what we’re in short supply.
For example a hypermasculine wo/man will seek out a hyperfeminine wo/man …
because it balances what he or she’s lacking . I’ll stop there because this isn’t my blog LOL
…Her challenge now is to realize that she’s looking for a partner. Not a savior. Not a rescue pet. Someone who is a true match.
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I think that with age comes wisdom. When I was younger, I only wanted to date men that were rough necks or a little hood. I married someone who had an advanced degree, but was poor because like you said he worked in non-profits. When I learned myself and what I wanted I realize that having been married and divorced that I wanted someone who could support himself, was financially stable and a great human being. Looks didn’t factor into that. I figured that if God led me too him that I would get the opportunity to know him, cultivate a friendship and see if there were sparks. If we base our expectations on financial and looks then in most cases we may not find the man of our dreams.
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Lower your standards? No. Reevaluate what is truly important? Yes. If you want someone who makes a lot of money, that might not be a great factor. A lot of super rich people are total jerks. Finding a great person is key.
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I feel like this was good advice – it’s true that you have to explore who you are and what you really want on the deepest levels in order to find it, and also true that sometimes you need to reexamine your standards in order to be sure they’re realistic and in line with where you want to be romantically. Solid advice for anyone to keep in mind.
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Standards aren’t a bad thing. You have to have them with everything in life, especially relationships. Your advice to look within was good in that it could be an unresolved personal issue that needs addressing. However, sometimes, it’s just a matter of timing and patience. Good post.
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Some good advice here Jay! I think that standards can be flexible – sometimes you can really connect with someone who isn’t exactly what you have set in your mind as ideal, and you have to have the courage to go for it.
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You gave her a great advice.I can really understand where the sender is coming from. Practicality is really important these days.
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This is great advice. I think it is important to keep your standards and you will find the right one for you.
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I always keep my standard high as it gives me the motivation to work hard and achieve them.
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This is one for the books, the battle between heart and mind. The rule of thumb should be if you cannot imagine yourself in the same situation as your partner then your partner is not right. If you, yourself do not have the perseverance to be a bright and successful individual, then you cannot hold someone to a standard you don’t hold yourself to.
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I love how you answered the question. There is nothing wrong with having a high standard for a man specially if you are thinking of settling down, but you also have to see if that is the same reason why you are not finding the right one. Maybe you should listen to your heart. What’s really your heart desires.
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Never ever settle for less. The wait is always worth it. Great advice Jay! as always x
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Great advice. I love the fact that you pointed out that success is subjective. Hopefully your advice helps.
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What an awesome post. This continues to be a topic among my friends. I love that you asked if work defines the person.
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Keep your standards where they are as long as they’re not unrealistic.
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I totally agree with your advice. This was a tough one.
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Great advice. I don’t think that anyone should ever settle.
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I can’t say that looks and money would be at the top of my list if I were at the stage in life where I have an 18 year old. I’d likely be more focused on companionship, generosity, and kindness than anything else. However, we all have the right to pick who we want, hope they pick us back, and take a shot at happiness.
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Very informative post! Success is certainly subjective, yes!!
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I always feel that it is important to have standards while dating. But sometimes, our expectations can be too high when it comes to finding the perfect mate. We’ve got to meet them half way.
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I read something on Facebook yesterday that applies to a lot of situations. When wondering why a person is single they should also look inward. How is your personality, attitude, patience, etc. Mainly because if you micromanage others and work all the time, you may not be fun to be around. Thus, not enough information about personality was provided to answer the question.
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I am with this women. No she shouldnt have to lower her standard and I am tired that is the woman’s fault for not lowering her standards as to why she is single. If she has an outrageous unattainable requirements she is seeking then yes she needs to be more realistic, but she should just be positive, be herself and NEVER SETTLE because being single is lonely. She just needs to keep positive and the right person will attract her.
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Good stuff! I guess it depends on how you define “standards”. For instance, I always wanted to marry someone who was really tall. My husband is the exact same height as I am, but I wouldn’t trade him for the world. If I had not lowered that “standard” (HA! Literally LOL) I would have missed out on the best thing that ever happened to me! Guess you gotta decide what is an actual standard and what’s just a “want”.
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I don’t think that she should settle for less but she may want to see what others that are important because attractiveness and salary income…Although being patient is hard, I wouldn’t sett;e to just have anybody because that creates nothing but more drama, heartbreak, trauma etc.
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