Cheating: Unforgivable?

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a close friend of mine. When the topic of relationships was brought up and we proceed to talk about many aspects of relationships romantic and platonic. During the conversation the subtopic of cheating was mentioned we begin to discuss what cheating really was to us and if we would forgive someone for it. During this exchange I was taken aback when my friend begins their soliloquy by saying “they would forgive any cheating if they were in love”. This statement took me by surprise because I have always been of the mindset that if someone cheats on you they really don’t love you. Now I do understand everyone makes mistakes but in my opinion cheating is going past a mistake. When someone decides to cheat it is not a mistake but rather a choice. Once a person goes beyond communicating their issues to their significant other or better yet leaves the relationship and decides to cheat they have went beyond a mistake. Then the conversation switch to what kind of cheating is worse sex or emotional or are they equal. For some they are both considered “deal-breakers” for various reasons. I tend to believe that sometimes emotional cheating can be as or more damaging than any other kind in some instances. My friend was convinced that emotional cheating was worse because when emotions are involved you are slowly losing your significant other slowly but surely. At first I did not completely agree with their opinion but when I started to contemplate what was said. I began to form a new opinion that the problem isn’t that one kind of cheating is more or less forgivable than the other it’s that forgiving and forgetting isn’t an option when your partner has emotionally cheated. Your partner doesn’t want to be forgiven they want out. Cheating can unleash devastating consequences on a couple and is oft-cited as the ultimate deal breaker. Unfortunately, the healing process doesn’t happen overnight, and even the most committed couples can get waylaid by hurt feelings, paralyzing guilt, and resentment. Comment below whether you think cheating is unforgivable or forgivable and if you like this post, please share!

 

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved

 

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About Jay Colby

Some would categorize me as an entrepreneur, life coach, son, friend and all of the above. I’m just another person trying to find my way in this world. Until recently, I was unsure what my path in this life would consist of. Like many others I was between I know what I want to do but not sure if that’s what I’m supposed to do. I am currently finishing my degree in something that has nothing to do with becoming a writer or entrepreneur so automatically it qualifies me to become one right! Follow me as I go through this journey called life to impact and encourage one person at a time.
This entry was posted in Culture, Relationship, Relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

138 Responses to Cheating: Unforgivable?

  1. Poetpas says:

    It depends on how you cheat and for how long. There’s always a reason for cheating; usually it’s a signs you need to work on your relationship because when you cheat something is not right. If you cheat and feel bad or guilty about it don’t do it and tell your partner. If your partner really loves you and will forgive you it will take time to rebuild trust and faith. I feel by the way that it’s better to forgive and not forget than the other way around. Its impossible to forget anyway. Forgiveness is acceptance and needs strength and courage.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jo says:

    Funny you should post this, as not so long ago I was having a similar discussion with my mother. We were watching a soap on TV and one of the characters had been in a relationship with a woman (behind his wife’s back) for 7 years. He was having a relationship with the two women and I asked me mum… “has he fallen in love with them both?” We both had different thoughts on the situation…it really is an interesting topic.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jay Colby says:

      Thanks for reading and it truly is. What were your thoughts on situation in the TV show you’ve described?

      Like

      • Jo says:

        I couldn’t understand how the guy could have two full on relationships. His argument in the show (when caught out) was that he loved his wife so much and he didn’t want to hurt her or break up the family. He simply had just fallen in love with another lady too…
        it’s a hard one. I guess everyone’s situation is different, none of us really know what goes on behind closed doors…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Cheating is way more than a mistake..because as you said cheating is a choice while mistake might have occured due to the circumstancial things or that person’s thoughts or emotions while committing the mistake and it might occur unintentionally..while cheating is not that case and it is intentional, so it is something that cannot be forgiven ..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. shreyovi says:

    What to add more the number of comments and likes u have received tell that how much close to heart these issue is .I agree that cheating is the choice when taken just defines that how much one is unsatisfied .

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Marisa Ulrich says:

    From the perspective of one abandoned for another after 8 years of marriage, cheating is forgivable in the strength of God, but not to excuse the one who cheated so much as for your own healing. Bitterness of the heart does nothing to hurt the adulterer but much to poison the heart of the one wronged. And forgiveness does not always mean restoration of the relationship. It can be, if it is in God’s will, but, many times, it is more about giving you the power to let go and move on to whatever the Lord has for you down the road. In my case, it was healing to accept a second chance at love and marriage with someone new.

    Liked by 6 people

  6. Having not heard of the term Emotional Cheating, I read a few articles about what constitutes Emotional Cheating and how this type of emotional affair is detrimental to your marriage or current relationship. In that, “All of this drains energy from your primary relationship.” “All this” refers to fantasizing, secret text messages with flirtatious overtones, intimate talks, and such. However, the conclusion by psychologists suggests the involvement in an Emotional Affair is usually a symptom of an underlying problem in one’s life or in one’s relationship. To me, that is contradictory to why an Emotional Affair can be detrimental. In other words, the relationship is already in difficulty. One could claim that is the cause for a partner to enter into an Emotional Relationship. Nonetheless, sexual or emotional the current relationship (or one of the partners) is dysfunctional and if not recognized that dysfunction would be causal to the infidelity. Forgiveness is, therefore, questionable. What exactly is one forgiving, the act itself or the cause of the act? Having been married for sixteen years when our marriage was entering into the final stages before the divorce, I would not cross the ethical boundaries that I feel are set when one enters into a marriage or relationship. I would not forgive either type of cheating believing the character of the person who commits adultery is most likely flawed and would be susceptible to repeat the behavior even if the person is sorry and asks for forgiveness.

    Like

  7. Boo says:

    I divorced because my ex cheated….repeatedly. I couldn’t get past it. My son’s wife cheated. He retaliated. Now they are stronger than ever. If you truly love someone, like I did my second husband, you don’t NEED to cheat. Nick was all I wanted in a man and more. And I miss him more than life.

    Like

  8. J. Cervantes says:

    It’s forgivable. The conversation couldn’t fit here but it is forgivable. Spoiler alert – it’s forgivable multiple times. Try 70 x 70. To understand that takes “real talk” between you and the gospel. No matter what type of cheating it is. Cheers. Good topic.

    Like

  9. Fabi Blogger says:

    My husband and I have been together for 20 years and it hasn’t been easy. We’ve had to deal with many tough situations, including cheating, but we’re still together and we want to stay together in spite of the cheating. It’s not easy to forgive and gain back trust, but we’re working on those issues because one thing we agree on is that we don’t want to break up our marriage.
    Whether or not cheating is a deal breaker depends on the couple. Is one-time cheating a deal breaker? What about chronic cheating? emotional cheating? sex? This issue should be discussed at some point to see where both partners stand on it.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. nkdwhtguy says:

    “I have always been of the mindset that if someone cheats on you they really don’t love you.”

    I disagree. There are too many reasons someone cheats to say that anyone who cheats doesn’t love the person he/she is cheating on. There are too many variations of “cheating.” Every situation is different, particularly when someone is in a sexless marriage or relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You make a good point regarding whether or not cheating shows lack of love. But I’ve always wondered, why not just express that the relationship no longer meets your emotional and/or physical needs and walk away before emotionally scarring someone that you claim to love(d)? This has always bothered me…

      Liked by 2 people

  11. Emissary says:

    Everything is forgivable…if it weren’t we would be in sorry shape…GOD forgives and HE tells us to be like HIM…but there is a difference between “forgive” and “forget” As humans, we don’t easily forget when someone has hurt us…we can if we choose to. You can forgive a person for cheating, but that does not mean that you have to continue the relationship…that, too, is a choice. I don’t think the answer is the same for everyone.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Cheating is the only permissible reason for divorce stated in the Bible. Even God knows it’s often too much to bear and He leaves room for freedom from the pain here on earth. I’ve been cheated on. Many times. Emotionally and physically. It is nothing other than torture.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. journeythroughawomansheart says:

    Cheating is Cheating ……… Period. No two ways about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. In my opinion, nothing is unforgivable.
    Some people are naturally cheats and are not interested in being faithful. For such cases, it is up to their partners to decide whether it is something they can cope with or not.
    Some others cheat as a result of circumstances and may be remorseful. They deserve to be forgiven.
    Some have developed emotional ties for someone else and it keeps them in some sort of perpetually confused state. They need help. More communication with their partner and a sincere evaluation of the way forward.
    Relationships can really be demanding due to individual differences. Sometimes it is difficult to be certain about what we want.
    Sometimes we are careful about the feelings of our partners and their probable reaction and so we hide the truth from them. Very many things contribute to the stability of relationships.
    My believe is that any relationship that is worth preserving needs to be built on the truth.
    If cheating is a consistent feature then there really is no relationship.
    Secondly, it is important to have an understanding with your partner about what you consider to be cheating. The reason is simple; assumption has destroyed numerous relationships.
    Listen to each other and appreciate each other’s perspective. Decide what to accommodate and agree on the “do’s and don’ts”.
    Be dedicated to keeping your own side of the agreement and trust your partner.
    Life is beautiful, especially with forgiveness when the motif is genuine.
    Lovely post.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. toirenee says:

    Cheating isn’t something you slip into for lack of a better word. You make a decision to cheat always. It doesn’t matter whether its emotional or physical. I know some who say that cheating in any form may not be a deal breaker but for me it is. The hurt and pain is too deep to recover from

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I for gave a cheater one and it damaged me because is was like he thought it was okay to continue to do it knowing I won’t leave him. I will not make that mistake again

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I personally just think that cheating is the core of selfishness…No one’s forced into a relationship. If you are unhappy with your partner, I think it’s more than reasonable to expect for that to be shared and if things can’t be remediated, choose to separate. Why cause someone emotional scarring at your own benefit?? It may be forgivable (for your own spiritual healing) but definitely not forgettable.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Communication is definitely key. I personally think that you can forgive anyone for anything. Just like cheating is a choice, so is forgiving. You have to give the grace you would wish to receive. But just because you choose to forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to allow them back into your life if you don’t want to. It’s all about knowing your worth. I personally think I would walk away from a relationship if my spouse cheated on me but if I was married I don’t know if I would. Would I be happy absolutely not but the way I was raised I believe in doing whatever you can to fix things. I would fight until I had nothing left to save it. I think cheating can be done way before it gets to physical. The moment that you stop communicating and start discussing your issues with others that are the opposite sex is cheating, or simply lusting after (looking) them in a way past acquaintances is already cheating. It’s very simple. If you want something to last you will protect and cherish it. It you don’t you will damage and lose it. Cheating is no exception, but I think people are put in different situations for different reasons. Maybe they were given a certain path/testimony because God knew they could handle it. I don’t know lol Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Pingback: Worth thinking about.. – Rightontheverge

  20. neighbordave says:

    Life is nothing more than a series of choices. The choice for many is not unlimited, perhaps for most the choice spectrum is narrow, but there was some choice at some point, maybe by a parent, that resulted in the very instant moment in which one finds him/herself. Choices are truly individual and reflect the entire paradigm of the person such that none of us should feel for or against anyone else’s choice. When you add in the spectrum of time, both absolute and relative, I might no understand certain choices, but as long as I don’t live by the choice, i have to accept it.
    Wow, how’s that?

    Liked by 1 person

  21. artemisdelmar says:

    Personally, my opinion is that not everyone feels the same way. No one has a one-size-fits-all formula for relationships; for some cheating is forgivable and for others, it is not. Cheating is not always about an out, it can be about immaturity, it can be about change and excitement or it can be a dead relationship in still water with no way out; but ultimately the people who it affects are the ones who need to make the decisions whether or not to continue with the relationship. Relationships are not perfect and they require a lot of work, communication, and growth but sometimes life is hard and that takes a toll on your relationship. We are never sure how we will react to a situation until we live through it.

    Like

  22. omobim1 says:

    Cheating for me is forgivable regardless of circumstances but remaining together in that relationship would be based on why you cheated. I am actually speaking from experience even though we are no longer together, I forgave him. It’s individual choices I guess but forgiving him made things easier for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Heartafire says:

    Cheating is wrong and a dangerous activity. I do think emotional cheating is more likely to end in the destruction of a relationship than physical cheating only. Great post.

    Like

  24. windstrewn says:

    Situationalities such as cheating, or murder or rape or child abuse, are all profoundly injurious. However, the incalculable magnitude of the resulting emotional rift is precisely why and how forgiveness can be so incredibly powerful and emancipating, perhaps even in life-lifting ways that dwarf the initial pain. My marriage of 13 years came abruptly to an extraordinarily painful end when my spouse made her decision to play outside of the sandbox; I never saw it coming. That said, this has been a very desolate grey area for me personally and a monumental self-challenge. So, I speak not from a well-practiced position of forgiveness, but from a recognition that anything less than forgiveness is enslavement. This is extremely difficult, but we should owe no labor to our chains; each of us are called to freedom, emotional or otherwise.

    Like

  25. Lorna Flaws says:

    Is there unemotional cheating? From my experience, people only cheat when they are not satisfied in some way with their relationship. 🙂

    Like

  26. I think that even if you can forgive someone for cheating, it’s still a deal breaker when it comes to a relationship, because, like you said, it’s a signal that the cheater wants out of the relationship

    Like

  27. Dianne says:

    I dated a guy for 3 years and he swore he has never cheated on me. We broke it off and within the next week he’s with the new gal. It takes a lot of maturity to forgive the person, but I don’t think it’s all that necessary to forget. Forgetting means denial and naiive-ity. You don’t necessarily have to forget because it’s a bar you can use to set the next time you’re in a relationship. To differ right from wrong. You can always forgive the person, but never forgive and forget the action because like you mentioned, it doesn’t happen on accident – it’s a choice.

    Like

  28. mraine33 says:

    I have thought about this topic a lot. I really don’t believe humans are “wired” to be monogamous, but that’s the beauty of it. As humans, we are a bit above our “wiring” so to speak. We have cognitive thoughts, we know about cause and effect, and we can think critically. I think there’s a really fine line between emotional cheating and sexual cheating. Emotional cheating, to a point I could forgive, because don’t we all “emotionally cheat” from time to time? We all have that friend at work or that old buddy that we text when we have a rough day or tell about whatever’s going on with our life at the moment. Sometimes its nice to have that person that’s a step out of our usual inner circle and can give us some clarity when we can’t go to those biased people closest to us. Now when emotional cheating becomes dangerous is when things like “I love you” start being said, or if legitimate plans to leave your significant other or have sex or sneak around start happening. If it’s all relatively innocent, you can come back from that, but once it goes too far, it’s too far. Sex is the ultimate cheating because you’re inviting a lot of things into the relationship. For one, the sneaking and manipulating. Obviously if you’re having sex outside of your relationship, you must be lying about where you’re going and what you’re doing. Those lies are unforgivable. If you can’t be honest in a relationship, that’s going to be a downfall on so many levels. Once you start having sex with someone else, you are playing with fire. You could bring home STDs, the other person could end up pregnant (or you, if you’re the woman and cheating!), if the other person is in a relationship, their significant other could come after you or your significant other, if the person you are cheating with gets jealous of your actual significant other there could be issues (have you seen Dateline?!) and the list goes on. Its not about having a fun night of sex once, or having the butterflies feeling of a budding relationship, it’s about respect. When you commit to someone in a relationship, you are saying you will honor and respect them. You wouldn’t like it if someone did it to you, so don’t do it to them! If you’re feeling like you might cheat, or something isn’t right in your relationship, its your responsibility to talk to the other person about what is going on and to fix it. If you really can’t handle the thought of being monogamous, then be up front and don’t make a commitment to someone. There are lots of people out there who are ok with open relationships, and if that is you, great! But go find someone else who’s into the same thing, or at least ok with it. Sex isn’t a necessity in life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great, a lot of fun, and pretty necessary if you want to bring new life into the world, but you won’t die without it. As a human, you have the mind to be able to think before you get in bed and take your clothes off. Once you’ve done it, it’s too late, and doing it once just proves your capable of doing it again. If you do it once, you’re not going to do it again, at least not to me!

    Liked by 4 people

  29. Cheating is hurting yourself as well as the other person. NOT forgiving hurting yourself , NOT the other person. God can help in this area. NO..you don’t forget but He has a way, unique only to Him to heal that scar and cause you to say.. “Yes, that happened to me, but you know I don’t feel the hurt anymore.” 🙂 I know this. We all make errors in life, me included. But if you want healing ask Jesus. I cannot tell you how MUCH HIS HEALING makes a difference.

    Liked by 2 people

  30. astoldbymua says:

    Definitely unforgivable. I was that girl who cheated on her boyfriend and he still wanted to be with me. I felt too bad if I were to go back so I didn’t. At the end of the day I knew I wasn’t happy but I went about ending it the wrong way. I wish I could take it back but I don’t regret having ended the relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I guess it depends on many factors. For example, I had a boyfriend in 2013. After 2 month dating, he confessed that he was cheating on me with and old lady. I was mad and angry but I forgive him because he confessed and looked sincere saying sorry. A year and a half later, many things happen between us and I got the feeling he was cheating on me, but I didn’t have any way to know if I was right or not, until one night I finally discover he was cheating on me all the time we were together.
    I broke up with him immediately and didn’t give any another chance. After we broke up, he realized he was in love with me and try to get me back, but was too late. His last call was this last January. I guess you don’t know what you have or want until you lose it. In his case, he didn’t know how much he loves me until he lost me completely.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. mrmeurig says:

    Cheating is very common. In my experience it is forgiven more often than not. I see men and women stay together after an affair for several reasons, but the decision to stay usually hinges on how interconnected the pair are. If they own a business together, have kids, one bank account, and truly depend on each other for financial success, they usually stay together…for a while.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Cheating is something that I will never ever forgive. I feel that it is very selfish and hurtful to the other person.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I think that it depends on the the two people. Its common in fledgling relationships for both parties to try and keep their options open. We have to keep in mind that nobody is perfect, and we live in a world with over 7 billion people. I have a close friend who found her boyfriend on Tinder after they had been dating for two weeks and she brought it up. They are happily together now. The best advice I can give you is to look into that persons eyes and tell them your expectations. I do not condone doxing people or stalking, but two services that do this kind of search are: https://albion-services.com, and swipebuster.se.
    https://alanagabo.wordpress.com/2017/06/12/are-they-faithful/

    Like

  35. I think that it depends on the the two people. Its common in fledgling relationships for both parties to try and keep their options open. We have to keep in mind that nobody is perfect, and we live in a world with over 7 billion people. I have a close friend who found her boyfriend on Tinder after they had been dating for two weeks and she brought it up. They are happily together now. The best advice I can give you is to look into that persons eyes and tell them your expectations. I do not condone doxing people or stalking, but two services that do this kind of search are:
    https://albion-services.com,
    and
    swipebuster.se.
    https://alanagabo.wordpress.com/2017/06/12/are-they-faithful/

    Like

  36. At the end of the day cheating is cheating and it’s up the individual or couple to coupe with whatever way feels the best for them and is best for their situation.
    You have to want to fix or replace whatever is missing in order for the relationship to work and for wounds to be healed other wise there is no point in staying together no matter your reason.

    Liked by 2 people

  37. Cheating is betrayal. I don’t believe anyone can truly trust their partner once they’ve cheated. We all makes choices.

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Interesting blog
    In my point of view, I couldn’t take a cheater bac becuase my heart would be broken. It’s never an excuse to cheat.
    Now I will say this, I don’t think all cheaters are selfish becuase most cheaters don’t wake up and say to themselves “I am going to cheat today” sometimes people are in the wrong place and wrong time. Sometimes people cheat becuase they are not happy in their relationship due to lack of communication, sex, and among other things.
    Sometimes we can push are significant others to cheat if we are not giving them the attention that they deserve so they will look for attention somewhere else. Another common reason why people cheat is becuase alot of people are not over their Ex and they hope to search for a new better soulmate to help them heal their broken heart to be happy. But what this really does is being with a new person makes you think about your EX even more because people will compare their new significant other to their Ex. Then you will start miss your EX and eventually if your EX try and contact you and want to meet up then it’s a very strong possibility the person will not resist. Then eventually this leads to cheating. Sometimes to extent I can understand why cheating can happen but I do not, I repeat I do not agree not accept cheating whatsoever.
    Cheating is forgivable but one the hardest thing for a righteous Christian to do is to forgive.

    Liked by 1 person

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