Needs V.S Wants?

Many times we confuse the difference between what we require and what we desire in relationships. We make a list of all the important traits we want in a partner, with very little concept of what we really need in our relationships. Our lists often include items about physical appearance, the level of income or career, and may end with a general statement like “I just want someone that makes me happy.” It is up to you to understand what you need in a relationship versus what you want, and it is your responsibility to effectively communicate those things. First let’s take a look at what constitutes a need. According to Dictionary.com a need is “a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation.”  Simply put a need is something that is essential and very important to person some people may refer to this as a “deal breaker”. For many people they have struggled trying to determine what their essential needs really are. Some of you might be familiar with this concept figuring out what is most important to you for a continental relationship.  Now let’s examine “want” according to Webster “desire or a wish for something”. A want is something we might like to have rather than a requirement for healthy living. For example, someone might want a man who drives a BMW 7 Series.  However, the car that your partner drives has very little impact on the emotional and psychological support they invest in the relationship. Most people probably agree with me thinking, “Obviously, you can’t choose someone based on the car they drive”. But often times the differences between our needs and are wants are not as pronounced as this example. They walk a fine line and I would like to say they even change from couple to couple. We all have our own beliefs and expectations about what we need. These needs are mostly shaped by the media and relationships we have observed, whether in real life or on television. Beyond that, there is a common belief that we are supposed to listen to our feelings, thoughts and impulses, which are often misleading. Impulses guide us in the moment, which may not always be helpful when trying to build a long-term committed relationship. If you have your own your non-negotiable needs or wants comment below and share them.

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved.

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Posted in Life, Love, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

Staying Positive In A Negative World

If you haven’t noticed that we live in a negative world, you just haven’t been paying attention. Whether it’s social media, news outlets, movies or just mainstream society there are countless number of negative images displayed in the world today. These negative influences have been especially evident during the past couple of years with the emergence of various news stories that have portrayed a negative narrative. These stories have created many debates, discussions and in some cases violence such as the apparent police brutality cases that have spread over many news stations over the past couple of years. Not to mention the presidential campaign that has brought up many negative and tasteless messages.  Then if you add in things like sickness, the loss of a job, or marriage problems, and you can easily see where over time the pressures of the world have caused some of us to lose our positive outlooks and steal the love and joy from our life.

It is very easy to let all these negative influence’s get us down and have us in a state of self-pity but it is imperative for us to stay positive despite the negativity that surrounds us. It is our decision to stay positive. It is our decision to live in peace, not in frustration with the way things are going. We make hundreds to thousands of decisions every day. Such as, when to wake up, what to wear, what to eat, what to work on and what to put off for another day, what to watch, read or listen to. We can’t get away from making choices. The world around us may be negative  we may hear it daily  where its gas prices rising, economy getting worse , real estate sales down ,food prices rising, which political candidate will become the next president and on and on it goes. In light of all the things that may be going on around us being positive is a crucial component to having a successful and happy life. This was one of my main purposes of starting this website to be a positive outlet for anyone reading my post to show the world that there still is some positivity left in this world.

Here are a few techniques that can be used to maintain a positive outlook when the world seems so incredibly negative:

  1. Control The Negative People In Your Life:

This is very essential to having a positive outlook because if you surround self with what I like to call “Negative Nancy’s”. It can bring you down and have your mind fill with negative thoughts. Make sure the people you surround yourself with are people who bring out the absolute best in you, not people who drag you down.

  1. Pray / Meditate:

This is a key component to staying positive its gives you another outlet to relive some of the daily stress. A simple two-phrase prayer can sometimes lift all the negativity off your shoulders.

  1. Laugh:

To simply laugh sometimes does the body well like medicine because laughter causes you to stay in present moment and enjoy it.

  1. Disconnect:

Sometimes it’s good to get away from friends, family, social media, TV and our cell phone and shut down and just give our mind a break.

Lastly there is nothing left to do but take action and begin improving your life and the people around you. If people live good lives, the allure of living in a negative way is suddenly gone. And remember, everyone does better when everyone does better. Comment below if you live your life with a positive outlook or is it a struggle to do so. Also if you liked this post don’t forget to like and please share!

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motivation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 67 Comments

Life’s Crossroads

Everyone faces some type of “crossroad” in their life. Facing a crossroad can be very overwhelming and can cause anxiety. One of the most complicated tasks any of us will face in life is the concept of making the right decision. Every few seconds we have the opportunity to change our lives, our family lives, our careers and our well-being. By having this seemingly great opportunity to affect our lives in many different aspects can seem very promising. On the other hand it can be an enormous weight on our shoulders, because our lives and our families can be forever changed based on the decisions we make when we face a crossroad.

The small decisions are simple. You may not even notice you are making them, for example if you’re hungry you might stop at a local fast-food restaurant to grab a bite to eat. This act is probably a regular occurrence for many of us and does not require much thought. Our brain has an efficient way of going into auto-pilot on tasks we deem to be insufficient.  On the contrary “crossroads” are the decisions that you can’t go into auto-pilot with that may require deep thought and detailed analysis. When you don’t know how the outcome will affect you and making such a large decision based on your gut or intuition may be the only option. These decisions are usually where the only help others can give you is common sense like “Do whatever makes you happy”. Attempting to control, manipulate or force things to happen is a typical response to the fear that comes with change. Some of us are so fearful of change that we refuse to make a change without understanding that even if we choose not to make a decision or take action, this in and of itself is a choice.

This can become problematic because life is all about changes and moving forward. We all know, deep within ourselves, what we need to do what we know during times of change or crossroads we may face. We can learn to access and trust our innate wisdom; it is personal and always available. Through this, we will know how to adjust our course, move toward our personal destiny. When we don’t follow our inner guidance, we feel a loss of power and energy.Life’s crossroads create opportunity for us to choose between different options, and when we see someone embracing the moment when choices are decided upon, it can be awe-inspiring. A crossroads is about change. Choices must be made not just when things are not working out as we had planned, but also during positive moments when we must choose to continue the course or veer off into something new. When we experience an ending relationship, a change in careers, political upheavals, or challenges with our health, the crossroads we find

Have you ever found yourself in a position where all you have worked toward is right in front of you, but instead of a simple black and white decision you were presented with a handful of options? Comment below how you made your decision and what was the outcome.

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved

Posted in Advice, Failure, Life, Motivation | Tagged , , , , , | 40 Comments

Ask Jay #12 – Are There Any Good Women Left?

Question:

Jay I have been in and out of relationships since I was 17 years old. I am older now and still confused about my relationships with women and having a good work-life balance. I am self-employed and work about 60-70 hours a week. I have dedicated my life to building my business letting go of relationships, family and friends who I felt like were holding me back from my success. Over the years I forgot about love now I’m 32 and want to start dating again. I have no kids and no real commitments other than my business. But all the women I’m meeting in my age bracket or a little younger have kids or crazy ex husbands or boyfriends. I’m not sure if it’s something wrong with me for not willing to deal with this type of thing. My question to you is how can I meet someone who’s attractive career driven, honest and doesn’t have any kids or do women like this even exist anymore?

– Anonymous

Answer:

This is an interesting question I’ve noticed both men and women have trouble with this same thing. Many people become so career focused they totally forget about their love life. However, it is never too late to find a meaningful loving relationship. I do understand some of the challenges you’re facing are common, but I have to ask have you ever tried other methods of dating other than the traditional forms. There are many ways to meet people from online dating, social media, going to network events or even the grocery store. I’ve noticed many people put their selves in a bubble thinking things have to be one way, but if that was the case there would be one size shoe for every foot.

Now you stated that “all the women I’m meeting in my age bracket or a little younger have kids or crazy ex husbands or boyfriends.” I have to wonder what type of women you’re attracting that you’ve come across these issues. One thing you should consider that many of us go through is what I like to call “the mirror game”. This is when we take a step back and look at ourselves in the mirror and consider what is it about me that I keep attracting this kind of person. I remember a great philosopher once said “If everyone you seem to attract is unmotivated, boring, unattractive… it’s not what’s wrong with them it’s you because you keep attracting this type of energy.”

Often times we attract who we are so you should take a deeper look at your life and consider what changes if any should you make to improve yourself. Then reflect on your standards and determine if they’re something you can compromise on and if not are they a need or a want. These things should always be considered when you’re looking to date someone. Now the issue with dating a woman with kids is a personal choice and many of us can understand why or why not you wouldn’t like dating a woman with kids. But as I’m sure you know no one is perfect so never say never.

Finding someone in 2017 can be tough but there’s over 7 billion people in the world and 3.5 billion are women. So, don’t give up on finding someone you truly connect with and can possibly build a beautiful relationship with.

What are your thoughts are there any quality people to date in 2017?

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Posted in Ask Jay, Dating, Lifestyle | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Does Money Matter When Dating?

When it comes to money we all know that we need it to survive. Without money we would go without food, shelter, clothes and many other necessary things we need to live a wonderful and abundant life.  However, when it comes to dating money can be problematic either having too little or in some cases having an excessive amount of money.

Should We Ask?

Often times in dating there is a period where we are just getting to know someone and they peek our interest. We have started dating them and we see a future with this person. At this point some may argue that we should then ask “how much money do you make” or a more slick way around the question is “what do you do for a living”. Now asking harmless questions are not a big deal, because we are simply making conversation.  The problem comes into play when we get an answer we don’t like such as “ I’m a fast food worker” or “I’m currently job searching”.

Should We Date someone Outside  Our ‘Tax Bracket’

There are many marriage counselors, life coaches and aficionados of dating would say not to limit our dating prospects by putting a cap on who we can date. Many people have different opinions on this subject a few weeks ago while doing research for my upcoming podcast show I had this discussion with about forty different woman and about twenty different men.  I found their answers quite interesting and thought-provoking the majority of the woman I asked said “they wouldn’t date anyone who made less than them.  This was interesting because it differed from some of the research I’ve done on the particular topic. Men on the other hand matched my research perfectly by all twenty of the men saying they really don’t care how much money their partner makes as long as they are successful.

Does Money Matter?

Now some may make the claim that “money doesn’t matter and we should look on the inside of a person’s heart and not their wallet”. Others may say “Love don’t pay the bills” both statements have some truth to them and in my opinion deserves a middle ground. Saying money doesn’t matter at all is a bit of a stretch, but money being the only factor whether we decide to date someone or not is also problematic.

Final Thoughts

In the end money does matter to a certain extent, but shouldn’t be the determining factor in choosing to date someone or not.  So the question still remains does money matter when dating?  Comment your thought below in the comment section & if you liked this post please share!

 

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved

Posted in Money, People, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 77 Comments

Learning From Negativity: On The Road To Success

Negativity seems to be around everywhere we turn in today’s culture whether it’s media outlets, social media or just daily interactions with people. It seems negative energy cannot be avoided and many times is the catalyst for misery and depression. Often times we don’t look at the positive sides to negativity and what can we learn from it. So today I will share some of the lessons we can learn from negativity.

1. Negative People:

Often times people who are generally negative and have a deconstructive attitude towards life. Are usually miserable and aren’t happy with their own life. We have to realize that being negative takes a lot of energy and are better off limiting or completely ending relationships with negative people.

2. Learn to Embrace it:

Once we learn that we can never rid our lives of all negativity, but when it comes our way we are equipped to handle it. By not being afraid of it and learn that it can only effect us if we if we let it.

3. Life is Too Short::

When it comes to setting milestones and making achievements in life, only those with a positive mindset can succeed. Worrying about negative people, energy or news stories can bog us down and slow down our predestined journey to success.

Final Thoughts

When it comes to success in life, perhaps the most important thing is your outlook. The right amount of hard work and contemplation done on the state of your approach can simply create wonders, much beyond our imagination. A wise person once told me “Don’t only learn from your own mistakes in life but also learn from others”. It always benefits us to learn from others, see the common pitfalls they fall into, try to help them and eventually, learn from their mistakes and avoid making the same ones yourself.

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved.

Posted in Life, People | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 72 Comments

Standards V.S Expectations

The setting of standards and expectations is a traditional means of making quality decisions. Standards are defined as a level or quality of attainment while expectations are described as a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. We all have standards and expectations in life. Whether they are living in a certain neighborhood or the amount of money we want to make. There are many different types of standards that we may have set for our lives, relationships and careers. When it comes to dating, expectations can hinder ones chances of finding that “special someone”. Standards on the other can help you discover what you really want or need in a relationship. Most of the time standards don’t just pop into our heads like an idea. It is made and formed out of our values we learned as a kid and our lifestyle choices. Simply put, we develop these standards over time.

Standards should always precede expectations as they are the foundation markers for every relationship. Having standards for oneself is very important in finding a potential partner. When you’re setting standards you know yourself, you can set standards based on qualities or accomplishments that you’ve attained. I know many people who have stated that they won’t date anyone who doesn’t have a college degree. In this case, having a college degree is a minimum standard. However standards could limit or hurt your chances while dating if we get consumed with your “standards”. It is sometimes hard to differentiate between expectations and reality. One of the biggest misconception a lot of people have is that they want their partner must reciprocate all our feelings and agree with our opinions all the time. The fact is men and women are wired differently the way each of us approaches life situations and challenges is different, and to accept these differences and allow room for understanding the other is key to lasting happiness.

The key difference between expectations and standards is expectations are placed on others, while standards are things we place on ourselves. Men and women  both value standards, they make you more exclusive, and exclusivity is attractive. Expectations are ugly because they make you seem picky, especially if you react adversely to failed or met expectations. We all have our relationship pet-peeves and “deal-breakers”. The key is to not allow our list to become so extensive that we rule out viable potential partners. If the thought of trimming your list makes you cringe, and you feel like you are “settling” then you shouldn’t change your list. Although if you have unrealistic expectations for love or an relationship, and are unwilling to compromise on even your most superficial criteria — make sure you are prepared to accept the consequences. Love doesn’t always arrive in the package we expected but if the gift itself is good, consider hanging on to it.

Which do you think is more important standards or expectations and what are some of  the  standards and expectations that you expect for your relationship? Comment Below and if you like this post, like and please share!

 

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved

 

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Start Today & Stop Procrastinating

Do you have dreams and ambitions but  never seem to take action? Do you have work to do and deadlines but just can’t seem to get motivated until the very last minute? If you answered yes to any of those questions then you probably have procrastinated.Now we all do procrastinated to a certain extent, no one is perfect, especially if the task is unpleasant or boring.However procrastination can be a  common problem for a lot of people it can and will hold you back in life in a serious way. It will stop you from achieving success and may hinder you from pursing  your dreams and goals. Even on a more simple level it will hold you back if you procrastinate on even the simplest task. You will start late, put out less quality work and not get the recognition and success you deserve for your effort and time. Simply put you don’t need to be super intelligent, have a large sum money, or to know the right people to get started with your dream, but the one thing that will hold you back more than anything is the tendency to procrastinate.

So the next time you think about procrastinating just imagine the very thing you’re  postponing will never happen. You’ll NEVER get to experience it  , because you’ll never have the perfect inspiration, perfect conditions, perfect skill it will NEVER be the “right time”. Then ask yourself how does that make you feel relieved or petrified? Just remember you can accomplish anything you want to if you stop procrastinating and believe in yourself and your dreams.Tomorrow has the potential to be better than today. But this day is the only day you have. And it’s the best day of your life. Comment below & if you liked this post please share!

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motivation | Tagged , , , , , | 39 Comments

Should You Ever Lower Your Standards?

Having standards for our lives is a common practice in our society.  Majority of us have standards for different areas of our lives whether it is a certain neighborhood we want to live in or the amount of money we want to make. There are many different types of standards that we may have set for our lives, relationships and careers. When it comes to dating I’m sure we’ve all heard of standards and deal breakers. This brings up the question should we ever lower our standards?

Standards V.S Expectations

Many times we confuse standards and expectations when it comes to relationships. I’ve met plenty of people who say “The person I date has to have everything on my list”. The one thing about this statement is there is too much emphasis on what our “list” says. Focusing too much on a list can sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations  that can cause us to lose sight of what’s really important to us. Having standers are great for narrowing down our search when looking for someone to date, but sometimes we need to reevaluate if they are truly a standard or just an expectation.

Should You Lower Your Standards?

Often times there is a negative connotation when we think of lowering our standards.  Therefore we may feel as if we do settle for something that is less than we “want” we will be miserable and unhappy. This is true in some instances, because some of our standards are deal-breakers. Which are crucial to having a prosperous and healthy relationship.  On the hand for example I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and they stated “I’ve been dating someone for the past few months. They are a great person and we always have an amazing time together. The only problem is their not exactly my type when it comes to the looks department”.  This statement to some may seem like this person is being shallow and undervaluing the great qualities this person has. Some people may view it as you shouldn’t settle to be someone, because in the end you won’t be happy.

Final Thoughts

Everyone’s standards are different, because we have different morals, goals, expectations, experiences and background’s which shape our perception on relationships. In the end we have to know what is and isn’t acceptable for us. Would or have you ever lowered your standards? Comment below & if you liked this post please share!

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved.

Posted in Dating, People, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 74 Comments

Stay Focused: Working Towards Your Goals

Do you remember your new year’s resolutions you set at the beginning of this year?

We all know staying focus on our goals can be difficult after the initial excitement is gone. When we first write down our goals and dreams we are filled with joy and optimism. But when we are overwhelmed with obstacles, boredom or just lack of focus continuing going after said goal can be challenging.  Here are seven ways to stay focused on your goals.

  1. Simplify Your Goals:

Sometimes we have very in-depth goals it can become difficult to stay focus on our goals. When we have massive goals the road can be long and may be quite some time till we will see a reward for our efforts. When we take on a goal the first step we need to do is give ourselves a “pep talk”. Reassuring ourselves that we will feel rewarded at the end of our pursuit is like driving with no fuel.

  1. Value Success:

Sometimes when we are so focused on a specific goal, and don’t take the time to be thankful for all the smaller success we have on the road to our ultimate goal.

  1. Learn to Say No:

One of the major issues that many of us face while trying to make our dreams a reality is the ability to say “no” to disturbances. For example, have you ever put off working toward your goal for something else that came out of nowhere? Many times it may just be a simply text message, call, social media notification or our favorite TV show does the job of delaying us from our goals.

  1. Write Down Your Goals:

To help us focus on our goals writing them down or create a vision board will assist in training our mind to think more about our goals and actually achieving them. Also our brain thinks in terms of images so, if you choose the right pictures, it will serve as both an enjoyable and effective method to stay focused on your goals.

  1. Support System:

This is one of the most overlooked steps to focusing on our goals. When we have a support of people or one person who checks on our progress and helps us keep on track. Without a support system it can be easy to get off track and stop pursing our goal. In the case we do not have a support system we can reach out to people who are like-minded and are also on the road to greatness.

  1. Have A Positive Mindset:

Once we change our mindset from “I can’t, I won’t”. To “I can, I will” this simple change can make all the difference when pursing our goals.

  1. Enjoy The Process:

If you don’t enjoy the process, then it will get overwhelming and the likelihood is that you will quit. On the other hand, if you love the process it makes the road to achieving your goals easier.

We all have it within us to find the willpower for continued goal or dream pursuit. Think of how you learned how to drive as a teenager or young adult. Whether you experience failure or disappointment you stayed present in the moment and in your singular focus on the task at hand. You just focused on your goal in the distance, an infectious desire that garnered support and the relentless urge to get there, one step at a time.  What are your goals and what ways do stay focus on the road to success? Comment Below & if you liked the post please share!

Copyright ©2016 Jay Colby All Rights Reserved.

Posted in Goals, Motivation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 75 Comments